sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
