He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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