I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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