I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
