matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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