I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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