RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
