If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
