I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
