Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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