I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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