My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
