This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
