If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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