Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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