happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
