it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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