I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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