you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
