Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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