the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
