i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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