My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
