so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
