Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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