I can text with my tongue
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
how do you play pong handcuffed?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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