So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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