That's when you crack a 10am beer
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
