I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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