I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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