Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
being pregnant is like rehab
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
