The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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