Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
