I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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