Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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