never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
