youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
