How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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