he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Let's get the cat blown out
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
