Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
