Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
