It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
