Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
