i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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