I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
