i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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