one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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