$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
