My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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