$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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