im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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