And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
